I'm Not Worried

The subject of this posting, I'm Not Worried simply means that I don't become unglued when I don't get something written on my project every day. It didn't used to be like that. When I was writing novels if I didn't put out something each single day I feel that I was malingering and it irked me, but you know, some days the words just would not come. I don't have that problem with my memoirs. If I miss a day, or even two days without writing anything it settles easy on my mind, because I know this story will be written and by the projected date of April 2 of next year. I think the reason I am not bothered with my lack of production is this story is me. And being about me I don't have to invent things, just tell it as it was. Even so, doing that can be problematic. But, like I said, I'm Not Worried.

The woman in the photo above is another reason I am writing Misdemeanors & Felonies. Nanette, the mother of Patricia and Nick, two of the other reasons. Candence/Paula is the third reason. We may be on the "outs" these days, at least I suppose we are because I don't hear from her anymore since I told her mother what I felt she needed to know. I know she will come back to me, it is just going to take some time.

I have had people ask me why I put my whole life out there for everyone to see. They tell me that they, too, have done things they are not so proud of, but they could never write about it as I have. To me it is something I did not choose to do, it was chosen for me long before most of the bad stuff had been perpetrated. I'm not much of a believer of predestined events per se, but I knew there was a book in me that was going to say something about how weak some humans are and on the other side of that weakness, how strong others can be. On the one hand, you have people such as I, who has never meet a sin he didn't like, on the other hand you have people such as Nanette. A saint.

Was she perfect? Close to it, but no, she was not perfect, otherwise she might has looked around for a better man to fall in love with. But then, sometimes we haven't a choice, do we? But Nanette did what she thought was the right thing, but she hung her heart on a very confused and desperate person. I had been running as hard as I could toward destruction when she found me at The Crystal Palace Apartments in Los Angeles, during the terrible Watts riots. She saw in me something she thought she would be able to love and be loved in return. I failed miserably on my end of the bargain time and time again. In the face of awful odds Nanette continued to try, to take me back when I would leave, until, when I finally left for the last time I never returned. Not because I did not want to, but because after the uprooted and left New York, where she had to go for help, I could not find her. If you are reading this and wondering if I loved her, and if I did why haven't I said so.

Yes, I loved Nanette.

How could I have not loved Nanette? She was everything good and sweet that I was not and I suppose that goodness and sweetness scared the fuck out of me, I don't know. All I do know is that my steadfast, secret desire to commit suicide by putting myself in every dangerous situation I could find won out over the love I held for this beautiful in body and mind, person.

Well, as people are wont to say, "Stuff happens." Yes, indeed it does. It happened. Some of the players in the sometimes turbulent drama of Jerry Pat Bolton's life are no longer with us, but most of the probably are. I know I am not the only person who has been down that destructive road, but I feel I am one of the lucky ones. I trod dangerous paths and survived whereas some were not so lucky. Plus, in my advancing years I have had the good fortune of seeing the faces of those I thought I never would see. For that I feel God, or whoever is looking out for silly humans, smile big time down upon me . . . See you tomorrow . . .

MY NOVELS:

Write To Murder . . . http://www.lulu.com/content/956621

Margaret and David: A Love Story . . . http://www.lulu.com/content/1072842

My Mother's Revenge . . . http://www.lulu.com/content/1132742